I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but I’ve been too busy waiting tables to write anything.
So, as many of you know, I’ve been waiting tables for the past 2 years at Trail Dust Shithouse Steakhouse. I’m pretty confident in saying that I’m a good server, when I want to be, because well, I’m a lazy bastard of legendary proportions. And let me tell you, I’ve learned alot of things. Particularly, I’ve learned to hate 90% of the people that come into the restaurant. Sure, I may act like I like these people, but on the inside I’m thinking “Why the fuck are you people so god damn stupid?” And usually i will say shit like this in the kitchen, because well, all servers do. So, if you’re an annoying fuck by nature, just know that behind the scenes, we’re all talking shit about you. So, here are the different types of people/situations I have encountered. Hopefully my fellow servers out there can relate.
The Verbal Tipper
The first time i ever met one of these people, I couldn’t have been more happy. It was a lady by herself, and it was a busy friday night, and I kicked ass on the table, did everything right, so then she says…
So I’m thinking “Fuck yeah! I’m badass at this. I bet I’m going to get a phat tip!!!!1!1!1!1!11111oneone.” SO, I look down at the table, and this is what I see…
WHAT THE FUCK?? 50 FUCKING CENTS? WHAT A FUCKING CUNT WHORE!!!! GOD DAMNIT! FUCK SHIT ASS!….thats what I was thinking, so from that point forward, i knew that a big compliment usually meant a pathetic piece of shit tip. next on my list we have…
“CANADIANS”
OK, so, Canadians are the server code word for black people. I don’t know why, i didnt make it up, thats just how it is. No one likes waiting on black people. Not even black servers like waiting on black people. If you are black and reading this, well, I would say that I’m sorry, but I’m not. Because its the truth. Black people are a pain in the ass to wait on. Its like, “No, for the tenth time, WE DO NOT HAVE FLAVORED TEA! WE DON’T HAVE FRUIT PUNCH, WE DON’T HAVE RASBERRY LEMONADE EITHER!!! And no, I can’t make you a drink that is 75% tea and 25% Lemonade.” See, I haven’t even taken their drink orders and I hate them already. This is usually how it goes…
My favorite thing when they ask for a glass of water with a bowl full of lemons and lots of sugar packets…So if I’m feeling extra good that day, i’ll charge them for the lemons, then laugh when they go postal on me for doing so. I also like how 90% of canadians must have their steaks well done or extra well done. Its like they have this mortal fear of cow blood or something. And they also love, i mean love to order off of the kids menu. Like seen here…
So, after the steak gets out, it must be sent back a minimum of two times, until it looks like a small charcoal brick, then at that time the canadians refuse to eat it because it is too tough. And its even worse when they bring their kids, because they often make them split a kids meal which consists of three (3) chicken fingers and 10 french fries. So if they have 3 kids, one strip each is enough right? Meanwhile the parents are ordering beer after beer after beer. Its fucking sad. So, at the end of all of this, I usually get about a 5% tip. Great. Next we have…
400 pounds…all you can eat steak…and a DIET COKE
We used to have all you can eat top sirloin night at the Trail Dust every wednesday…wednesday was dubbed “White Trash Wednesday”. But it wasnt just white trash, it was trash from every ethnic background. This was the typical customer on a wednesday night…
I swear, what the fuck are these fatasses thinking? You think that by cutting off 50 calories by drinking a diet coke and eating low fat dressing is going to cancel out the cholesterol and fat engorgement thats about to take place? How fucking moronic can you be? Do you go to an especially optimistic doctor who tells you, “Yeah, your arteries are 90% blocked, so drink lots of diet coke and eat only fat free dressing, but keep up the raw meat intake, that will surely help your problems.” Your lardass shouldn’t have even stepped foot in a steakhouse to begin with!
KIDS
Waiting tables has made me never want to have kids, ever. Parents think that their kids are just the most specialest things on earth….even if they’re 3 or 4 and can barely speak right, parents still insist that their kids order for them. Its like looking at a deer in headlights when you ask a kid what they want to order. THEY CAN’T EVEN FUCKING READ THE MENU! Oh, and what’s even better is if the parents actually do order for the kids, they tell me each kids name and what they want, like “Skylar wants a cheeseburger, and Kelstar wants ribs, and Juan-Enrique wants quesadillas, and Jo-Jo-Baby wants chicken fingers.” I don’t need to know your kids names lady, just tell me what the fuck they want.
I really don’t like when people bring toddlers, because by the time the people leave, the floor under where the kid was sitting is littered with things that you didn’t even think the people had; like cereal (always the off brand kind you hated to eat as a kid), milk, poo, puke, etc.
So, I’m done writing for now, but I think this will be one of those things where I add stuff whenever I feel the need to. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job 75% of the time. Bad/stupid customers don’t really bother me much anymore, I just laugh at their stupidity. If you’re reading this and you fall into any of the categories i’ve mentioned here, may God have mercy on your poor soul. And stick to McDonald’s if you’re going to dine outside of your cardboard box.
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